One regret:

Not being brave enough in high school. Hopefully I won't say the same thing about college. I could have been a lot happier, could have had a lot more fun in high school if I'd been braver.

This is a first.

My first record review. Maybe my last. I think it's finished, we shall see. Anyway, it's going on a growing music website/online magazine a friend of a friend created...

inflatableferret.com--I don't know how to make it a link. But maybe I'll post a link to my review in the new issue once it's out (beginning of May).

And I wrote about (drum roll)......... The Hold Steady's brand new album, Heaven Is Whenever, which rocks in my book.

You know that feeling you feel within the first twenty-or-so minutes of listening to an album where it hits you that this is a great album? Like when you heard the line from the Hold Steady’s second album Separation Sunday’s “Your Little Hoodrat Friend”? “He can’t stand all the things that she sticks into her skin/like sharpened ballpoint pins and steel guitar strings. She says it hurts, but it’s worth it.” Lines like this are precisely why frontman Craig Finn’s music is so compelling, the lines you don’t quite get at first listen, but suddenly hit you as completely genius on second or third listen. I’ve only seen the Hold Steady create two reactions: people either “don’t get it” and find Finn’s vocals too grating; or fall head-over-heels in love with the band, doodling lyrics on the inside of their Biology notebooks. A critic favorite, the Hold Steady has expanded from a bar-band-like, more spoken, lyrically-dense sound, weaving storytelling and clever lines in and out of songs on Almost Killed Me and on their all-around best album Separation Sunday; to becoming a more musically layered band, more melodic with a “prettier” sound on albums like Boys and Girls in America. So where are the Hold Steady going with this next album that Vagrant drops on May 4^th? And, more importantly, will this album be scratched into all of its fan’s souls like the ones that came before it? (Hold Steady fans…get it?)

The first bluesy guitar riff is probably the first time we’ve heard anything remotely blues-influenced from the Hold Steady, and this sound makes it evident that the Hold Steady is expanding their sound, combining genres in ways they haven’t before. Worries about keyboardist Franz Nicolay’s departure were all over Hold Steady message boards. The result is, predictably, a more guitar-centered sound, which guitarist Ted Kubler insists is “guitar heavy…but NOT heavy guitar” (via Pitchfork). It’s a little sad, though—guess we won’t hear any more accordion either on songs like “Citrus.”

Some things certainly haven’t changed: Finn still shouts about their Minneapolis-St. Paul roots throughout songs like “We Can Get Together” and “Sweet Part of the City.” Their songs still center around the feeling of wandering around these cities, looking for the next good party and the next good way to get high. He continues to conflate sex and religion with great lines like “St. Theresa told me we should rattle our bones” in “Our Whole Lives.” Finn is singing more, though, like in the song “Smidge,” and even most hardcore of Hold Steady fans can admit that he’s best when he’s speaking; storytelling is his greatest strength. I personally am okay with this, though I didn’t think I would be when I heard the rumor. This album, partially because of Finn’s replacement of speaking with singing, will probably bring the band a wider spectrum of listeners: the band seems to have found the balance between keeping their songs interesting, avoiding predictability, while still reaching out to more rock fans, maybe even making their music more listenable in the process. Tracks like “Hurricane J” and “Rock Problems” might even be at home on (dare I say it) the radio. This album might be another step (the first being the Hold Steady’s move from Frenchkiss Records to Vagrant in 2005) that moves them further out of relative obscurity into the mainstream.

The record is lyrically different from earlier albums. It’s not a concept album (Separation Sunday), but it’s not just an album full of great live crowd-pleasers (Boys and Girls in America). It has both of those elements. This record sees the Hold Steady become more overtly sentimental, as opposed to the slight cynicism and more subtle sentimentality shown through characters like bar rat Holly in Separation Sunday. Here, Craig Finn lays these heartbreaking statements in front of the audience. This is where the Hold Steady steps outside of their bar band rep. Heaven Is Whenever shows the Hold Steady as vulnerable with lines like “Utopia's a band, they sang ‘Love Is the Answer,’ and I think they're probably right, let it shine down on us all, let it warm us from within.” Finn again shows the Hold Stead to be romantic—but avoids excess sentimentality—when he drops what might be the Hold Steady’s thesis into “Slight Discomfort” (arguably the best song on the record): “Our struggle still feels wonderful tonight.” It picks up from where Holly left off on Separation Sunday, somewhere between death and being born again, and tells us that it’s worth it.

Smells that remind me of my chilhood

1. Chlorine

2. Honeysuckle

3. Sunscreen

4. Christmas trees

5. Freshly cut grass

6. Lipstick

7. the Christ the King gym

(in case you wanted to know)

A goal:

To learn how to make a really good smoothie. Perfect a recipe. Get the right combination of ice, strawberries, yogurt, bananas, orange juice, blackberries, pineapple...mmm.

That sounds damn good right now...I need so much more money than I have.

Another goal: to make it through this weekend and Monday with all of my sanity intact.

And more plans: buy some cheap wooden furniture and PAINT it bright colors for the house.

I've realized that this is one of the general goals of my life: To strike the right balance between slacking off and working my ass off. Finding the perfect space between spending mornings that turn into afternoons in bed and sitting around with my roommates playing with Oreo and writing papers and calling my mom and reading things for school and reading things I want to read. The balance between crossing off things on my to-do lists, and forgetting to check my phone.

Something a little different...

Other people have blogs filled with colorful pictures and videos and music and all that glitz. Unfortunately, mine is a little sparse, as far as graphics go. But let's be honest, it's a little distracting, right?

That said, I think I might have taken a halfway-decent picture. I submitted it to the Honors Journal to be judged, so we'll see if it is, in fact, good.

The dividing line

"I woke up as the sun was reddening; and that was the one distinct time in my life, the strangest moment of all, when I didn't know who I was—I was far away from home, haunted and tired with travel, in a cheap hotel room I'd never seen, hearing the hiss of steam outside, and the creak of the old wood of the hotel, and footsteps upstairs, and all the sad sounds, and I looked at the cracked high ceiling and really didn't know who I was for about fifteen strange seconds. I wasn't scared; I was just somebody else, some stranger, and my whole life was a haunted life, the life of a ghost. I was halfway across America, at the dividing line between the East of my youth and the West of my future."

-Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Last post of the night, I promise

"There are some parents who felt that love of a country implies no freedom to criticize the country. I wonder if they also felt that to criticize or attempt to correct their children meant that they did not love them? This isn't what love means."

-Madeline L'Engle

Learning how and when to criticize was a part of my growing up. Nowadays, I tend to hold myself back from speaking my mind about all the shit I see going on around me, basically bringing attention to any group that is being oppressed in any way (mainly women, because this is what I relate to and what I notice), and I hope I'm not being bullied into silence. Because when you say things people don't like, request change in the world, admit that, as far as relationships between men and women as a whole go, we are far from perfection; people get upset and tell you to stop bitching. But I know I don't respond well to criticism, so it's understandable that people shy away from it. It's uncomfortable, stepping on toes. But we HAVE to or things will never improve. The first step is bringing attention to a problem. If you never do, then you are essentially giving up.

I really want to be listened to when I have something important to say. I don't want to stop talking about this because I don't feel that it is important to anyone else but me.

Sometimes

I wish my thought processes were more linear. I read my writing and wonder how the hell people keep up. I feel all over the place most of the time. I was trying to write a lab report, which is so structured and linear and generally not fun, and it was so damn difficult because I wanted to explain it all at once, or explain the parts I felt like explaining in the order I felt like explaining them. I think that's why my writing is usually more based on description than on narrative. And why I like stories more focused on description than on narrative/plot-based ones.

On another note, this semester far surpasses any previous semester I have yet experienced. I'm generally much healthier than I was at this time last year. Mentally, physically, emotionally.

A bit of advice

from a lot of experience.

It's kind of corny, but I've learned that you have to be happy being by yourself before you can be with anyone else. You have to find out who it is you are before you can share that with someone else in any kind of meaningful way. Maybe this is just me--but I grow faster alone. You have to go through some growth, even growing pains, to get to that point where you know yourself. It's important being alone sometimes.

It might be even more important to learn to share with other people, which is something that comes less easily to me than being alone, for some reason. My tendency is to sometimes retreat, remain uncomplicated, because other people tend to mess up an orderly life quite a bit. But I've also learned that the mess is usually worthwhile. So, 1)get to know yourself, realize the strength you have without someone else to lean on, and then 2)let someone else in.

I would desperately like all the pieces of my life to fall into place ASAP. I would like to know whether: a) I am going to Barcelona in the fall, b) whether I SHOULD go to Barcelona, if I can, in fact, go, c) what I'm gonna do after graduation, and d) where, exactly, the hell I'm living if I'm gonna be here next semester. Let's get this stuff finalized!!!

Trust is difficult.

I want there to places carved out for me, I don't want to have to set out to make a place for myself. But I guess this is being an adult.

Right now, though, I'm trying to be content in sitting on my porch, chatting with my roomies, studying some Biology.

I have notebooks and notebooks, dating back to Freshman year of high school. These notebooks were mostly an outlet for these obsessive, intense crushes I'd have on various random boys. I can't say I've ever felt quite that strongly since high school, but I don't think I'd ever want to feel that way again. I think I've matured past that stage. Thank God. I still get that feeling, but it's not quite as destructive.

Speaking of, I went to mass the other day. It was nice, but mainly because of the person I was standing next to.

Anyway, these notebooks: they're mostly pretty plain and boring through high school. They start to get a little better by college, the focus expands to life and myself, as opposed to constant FEELINGS for a boy. Of course, I still write those FEELINGS, but instead of taking up 95% of the notebooks, they only take up about 40%. I hope this reflects my growth as a person, not just as a writer. I still keep notebooks, I haven't been writing as much lately.

There's something about writing it down, articulating it, that legitimizes my life. Sorting it out, organizing it, makes it all less overwhelming, I can make sense of it all. I see patterns, too, and can stop myself from making the same mistakes I made in the past (sometimes). It's not all just useful and necessary, sometimes it's just fun, mostly it's just fun to chronicle various progressions.

A Tribute To...

Memphis.

I love Memphis. I can remember driving here when I was visiting CBU my senior year of high school and having this feeling...like this is where it's at. I love the places I can go on my bike and I love Beale and I LOVE the feeling of crossing the bridge coming back. I like that I know how to get around Midtown. I love the people, those I know and those I have yet to meet. I love the food--Central, Muddy's, the Deli, Otherlands, Celtic. I love CBU, I love driving down East Parkway in the spring when the world is dripping in green. I love remembering Freshman and Sophomore year, and I love living in the place where I am.

And. Why would I want to leave this place? There is more keeping me here than there's ever been before. Less reason to go look for something else, less reason to explore the world and see what else is out there. But--I can't forget to be adventurous.

This is not the most productive thing to do when I'm skipping class.

"We have forgotten how to touch each other, and we try desperately to do it in wrong, impossible ways which push us further and further apart. Sometimes when Hugh [her husband] and I are in a large group, I need to touch him; the only this touch can be realized is if it's tiny and unobtrusive; if I put my arms around him in the middle of a cocktail party we wouldn't touch at all. But if I stand by him and let my finger brush momentarily against his, we meet; we are together. Too many of us have forgotten that this gesture, this incredibly potent flame, can be as powerful an act of love as any other. We impoverish our lives when we limit our expressions of love."

-Madeline L'Engle, A Circle of Quiet

Today, drove home in the sunlight down I-40.

Listened to this song: "The Third Planet is sure they're being watched/By an Eye in the sky who can't be stopped/and when they get to the promised land/They're gonna shake that Eye's hand."

Played basketball and jumprope with my little sisters.

Watched Jeopardy with my Dad.

Went for a run as the sun was setting.

Everything is green and the flowers are blooming and the air smells like spring and I don't think that life has ever been better. Crawfish boil in two days.

The one thing is--I'm not looking forward to being here for five weeks this summer...nope. Suburbia is great and comfortable for a bit, but I can only take it in small doses.

ALSO: Don't forget to say the things you meant to say. Sometimes it's hard and sometimes it's easy. But most of the time, it's worth it. And only say the things you mean. People can tell.