Lately,

I've been thinking about the ways I spend my time.

Who I spend my time with, who I appreciate enough, who I fail to appreciate. I've been stressing about it, actually. It's not like all my friends and family are constantly clamoring for my time, I'm just soooo popular, but sometimes it gets hard to be in two places at once. AND there's me, too. Maybe I'm thinking about myself too much, and not reaching out enough, but it gets exhausting. Do you have friendships where you feel like you do all the work? How did this happen, how is everything my responsibility?

Sigh of angst. I'm just in a mood. I'm trying to figure out where the line is, when does it stop being worth it to put so much effort into a friendship?

"Some things you do for money, and some you do for fun, but the things you do for love are gonna come back to you one by one."
-The Mountain Goats

My favorite Postsecret this week

The previous quote--I've been having to re-learn how to be alone lately. I mean, I'm not that "alone," my family is still around all the time, but, for the most part, I've pretty much lost contact with most friends from high school. Or, the people I have kept in contact with are off doing more interesting things with their lives.

The first couple days were hard: I was bored and I didn't know how I was ever going to get through these three weeks at home without my friends, without my boyfriend, without any classes to attend or papers to write. But in the last few days, I have finally begun to wind down, and I've started to ask myself the glorious question, "What to I want to do today?" This is a question I haven't got to ask myself for a long time. I'm finally getting to sit in the sun for as long as I want to, take a yoga class every day, read for hours at a time...do all these things without feeling guilty about what I SHOULD be doing. It's a beautiful thing, and something I'm going to miss when I leave for governor's school and my life becomes all about the students--which is also a beautiful thing, but sometimes exhausting.

So, today: I woke up, had some coffee, watched an episode of Sex and the City. In a few minutes, I'm going to go swim, and then start on The Road by Cormac McCarthy, then try this recipe I found for sweet potato fries.

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

-Nietzsche

So far...

Things around the Toomer household are pretty much the same as they've always been. The shining moments are when Allison (age 8) says cute things.

I get into this funk during the summer. I completely forget how to write. So I apologize if these posts read like a third grader wrote them. I'm also completely exhausted at 11:12 pm, and I have no idea why. I think I'm getting old. I'm getting over a terrible cold, but the upside is that it made me more aware of how much I enjoy being well.

I'm starting to enjoy mornings a lot more than I ever have. I'm getting to sleep in as late as I want and wake up slowly. It's nice. Usually, I hate mornings at school, even on weekends, because I'm just thinking of what I have to do. I love nights at school. Things are reversed here in the opposite town of Little Rock.

Nun Excommunicated for Allowing Abortion

This is one of those times I'm not proud to call myself Catholic, however loosely "Catholic" is defined.

You've probably heard this story. Follow the link below if you haven't. There are more layers of sexism than I'd realized: pedophile priests are not excommunicated, but a Sister of Mercy trying to save a woman's life is.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126985072&ps=cprs

I think everyone should want to articulate their feelings in writing all the time, and I can't understand people who don't feel this compulsion. How do you know how you feel about something unless you write it down? How do you know it really happened unless it has been documented? And, I suppose this comes from all the years of writing for class I've done, and in most papers you're aruging something, but I always want to present my argument in the most articulate and eloquent way possible. When other people don't like to discuss things like I do, then I get upset. I forget that people can believe in something without having to argue why it's the truth, or put it into words.

Today, I was feeling off. Tired and anxious and I spent too much time in Target. I'm learning how to pick myself up, though, and my family picks me up all the time. My mom especially--I appreciate her more and more all the time. I swam, too, and I felt better. The water felt good, and it woke up my mind and made my body tired, which is the best kind of tired.

I was reading through some old high school stuff, and I found this quote:

"Part of what I feel is purely physical, a desire, and urge, a desperate clawing need, part of what I feel is something else, something that makes me smile, feel empty and full, makes my heart hurt."

I wish I had cited it. I have no idea what it's from.

Life has been some combination of fairy-tale coincidence and joie de vivre and shocks of beauty together with some hurtful self-questioning."
-Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

For those brave readers

who call themselves feminists, or are just a little curious:

http://www.newsweek.com/id/235299

"The problem with feminism is, of course, the word itself."

What I'll be doing for the next three weeks:

Before careening off to Hendrix to spend fourish/five weeks with some lovely people...it's a dull life, but I'm planning on enjoying it because I haven't had much time for dullness lately.

So: babysitting, going to the pool, sewing an apron that is both practical and pretty, maybe learning how to cook some more things, lots and lots of reading (Middlesex, Jacob's Room, and The Bell Jar again), RUNNING, sleeping, winding down, eating snowcones, being with my family.

It's all very housewifely I'm just now noticing...

Also maybe mending some friendships that fell apart at the end of the semester. Definitely.

This summer

I have mixed feelings. I'm loving where I am right now, and I don't want to have to leave. I don't want to have to worry about coming back and everything being different now that all these people I love are gone. Can we just do this year over? I think I'd do it all the same, but I might worry less and enjoy it more.

I'm excited about AGS. I am. I'm worried, though, because I'm becoming reliant on certain people in my life who I don't want to have to be without. This is boring for you to read, I'm sure, we're all having to deal with it.

Worry less. Enjoy more.

I finally have a second to breathe. It's been studying and finals and paper writing all week. But I got a good night's sleep last night, so I'm feeling good and ready to enjoy the weekend. My last exam is Tuesday, and I'm trying to be patient, but it cannot come soon enough. It's been a good last few days, but it's really difficult to balance being around my friends and studying...I want to take advantage of lots of my friends' last week on campus, but I would also like to pass my classes.

It's been beautiful outside. It's my favorite kind of weather...I want to swim!