http://www.sleeptrip.com/300loveletters/2.html

Go to this, it's really cool. I'm thinking about going in that direction for a little bit with this blog. Being a copycat, oh well.

I love writing letters. love love love. That's one thing that always pissed me off, never feeling like my letters were appreciated. Letters TO YOU, my letters could be equated to my self. Giving and giving and giving.

But really my writing, however intermittent and casual and oftentimes poor, was never appreciated, so I was never appreciated? I was skimmed. I speak in the passive voice because it's not going to do any good to my already damaged reputation to accuse. Fuck, whatever, you liked the idea of me writing, but never the actual work.

Oh babe, you just didn't get it. You never knew how to use words. That's what it all comes down to.

I've been told by more than a couple of people in my life that I need to slow. down. My mother, mentioned in my last post, for one.

I do rush through a lot. Even just day-to-day things, I'm thinking about what I'm doing next, never really content with where I am now. Like all day, I can't wait til lunch, I can't wait til I get off work, I can't wait to go to bed, etc. I can't wait til the weekend, I can't wait to graduate.

But now is a great thing. I fail to realize its greatness. I need to learn how to sit still. And be content with how things are right now, and realize that this is not the way things are alway going to be. I'm craving more stability in my life, but that's not in the cards right now. Ok. So I learn to appreciate things being in flux. I can see the beauty in the excitement.

Stability. Like solid walls and a solid relationship and the next five or so years figured out. How boring is that. Settling down? Why do I crave this? A routine, comfort, predictability? Or, as Virginia Woolf puts it, "firelight and the limbs of one person"? Now is for the opposite of stability, so later when I look back on this time, it'll be with nostalgia for the surprise and unpredictability, the options. Well. I don't know if I'll ever look back on this particular semester with nostalgia. I'm rushing to be friends again. I'm rushing to move on. Father, I have sinned, and I want to do it all again eventually, in the words of the Hold Steady.

I am ready

to do something new. I do love college, all parts of it. Mostly it's a love-hate relationship, I can't imagine another life I'd like to live. My life is, of course, flawed, especially lately. It's definitely far from the relative tidiness of the past. Honestly (I'm about to be unusually direct about my life here) I had no idea how to deal with a breakup. Have no idea, rather. This is my first, and I wish I could have had a practice run in high school with something a little lighter and easier, as opposed to the heaviness of this past relationship. I've screwed up because of that. I don't know what's gonna make me happy.

I'm going to be real with you again. I've turned to prayer. I don't know if I'm doing it right. This is what my mom told me to do, and she's right about a lot of things.

I think I'm growing. I'm feeling a lot more sure of myself than I've felt, ever. I'm growing and I'd like to keep growing.

Positively 4th Street

"I wish for just a moment you could stand inside my shoes,

Then you'd know what a drag it is to see you."

Requirements

For anyone who's interested. I know that like two people read my blog--you know who you are, I'd like your comments and/or additions to this list!

This is the bare minimum.

So before I decide to be with anyone, he be able to do these things:

1. have a backbone

2. be able to express what he's thinking/feeling

3. have original thought

4. take responsibility for his actions

5. have respect for my limits and my pace

6. be a mature adult (I guess this one kind of encompasses the previous ones)

In addition, I can never, even for a second, think that we're not compatible. I need to listen to my gut before I dive headlong into anything. Not overthink, but at least acknowledge my reservations. Of course, I'm not looking for perfection, but I don't think that basic maturity/the ability to act his age is really all that much to ask.

Chemistry is also a requirement. In other words, for the first year at least, we must want to jump each other's bones at least 95% of the time.

Oh and he must also think that I'm the best thing that he's ever seen. The ability to recognize a Bob Dylan lyric is also a plus, but not a requirement.

A few of my favorite things (or what I need to get more excited about)

People with original thought

Being young

Wearing boots

The song "3rd Planet"

The memories that follow from that song

"Your hands and knees felt cold and wet on the grass to me."

(I've listened to this song so often that I feel like I've lived the lyrics.)

People who throw around "I love you" haphazardly, say it for no reason. We all gotta hear it.

The light at the end of the tunnel

The fact that the words "weekend" and "possibility" can be used interchangeably

Friendship is truly underrated.

Words that you keep in your pocket for later.

Expression, I don't care how you do it, but just get it out.

When I suddenly realize I'm flirting

Placing fingers through the notches in your spine.

The other day, I was working on a presentation about chivalry in hard-boiled detective fiction...I worked on it for like three hours straight, without looking up and felt so awesome about myself.

Take that, lack of concentration.

If I am allowed to do something I'm really interested in and if it's really worthwhile and of my own choosing, I can kick some ass at it.

Work has also become easier. For the last few weeks, I never admitted it, but I was often struggling to keep my head above water.

Life is looking up. I would like to believe that friendship is possible. I'm impatient.