And more of that...

Let go. Let go.
Oh special person,
Possible leaves,
this typewriter likes you on the way to them,
but wants you to break crystal glasses,
in celebration,
for you,
when the dark crust is thrown off,
and you float all around,
like a happened balloon.

About give

Watch out for love

(Unless it is true,

and every part of you says yes including the toes),

and it will wrap you up like a mummy,

and your scream won't be heard

and none of your running will run.

Love? Be it man. Be it woman.

It must be a wave you want to glide in on,

give your body to it, give your laugh to it,

give, when the gravelly sand takes you,

your tears to the land. To love another is something

like prayer and can't be planned, you just fall

into its arms because your belief undoes your disbelief.

from "Admonitions to a Special Person" by Anne Sexton

I swear I'm not as angsty as I sound.

"He was another person, despite his firm decision and anguished efforts to continue to be the same man he had been before his mortal encounter with love.

The truth is that he was never the same again"

-Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Guys...I'm scrugglin'

I've been having to encounter this whole situation in a place that has always been my escape: my Detective Fiction class. We're talking a lot about the hard-boiled detective's need to avoid vulnerability of any sort...especially in the realm of love-related adventure.

"So Hammett seems to be suggesting that in Sam Spade's fear of vulnerability, he also pushes away any real relationship he might have had with Effie."

Fuck. Really?

"All of the characters who do let themselves be vulnerable--whose motives to kill are for love--end up dying. They take their chance at the roulette wheel, and it doesn't work out too well for them. And yet Chandler suggests that they have something that Marlowe is missing."

Can we please keep this an environment in which I don't have to think about these things? What happened to detective fiction as an escape from life's problems?

"Kiss and ride on the CTA"

200th post! What a day.

There are times when I just do not like school. I'm stressing about this week.

I feel the need to go to Mass tonight. Is that weird? I feel like I need community right now, I need some structure, some familiarity, some time to think, some nostalgia. Mass will give me all of those things.

I guess it's my feeling that if I returned to freshman/sophomore year, then everything would be different and better. I know I was happy then, but I was also different. My life was entirely different. It's insane how much changes throughout these years.

As of late...

I have had almost no control over when I'm asleep and when I'm awake. My bedtime has been fairly consistent over the past 3 or so years...go to bed at like midnight and wake up at 8ish on school nights, and go to bed at like 2 on weekends and wake up at noon. Recently, my body has taken precedence over anything else...I got so sleepy, i went to bed at 9:30 last night. I'm actually home in Little Rock right now, so I would have gone to bed early anyway. But I don't think I've gone to bed at 9:30 since I was in 3rd grade. Of course, since I go to bed so early, I wake up at like 8 in the morning. This early-to-bed, early-to-rise thing is okay on weekdays, but I would really like to still have a social life on the weekends. I don't know why I'm getting so tired so early...I guess the current directionlessness of my life is taking its toll.

We will see. I guess I have to take sleep where I can get it. Anyway, I'm sure there is nothing that interests you more than my sleep schedule.

Something I've found myself doing lately...actually, for my entire life, is looking back on "the good old days."

Right now, I keep thinking back to my sophomore year, and all the antics that happened way back then. Of course, sophomore year was also awful and painful in some ways, but I don't remember that. That was when going out was still so exciting...Friday was something I looked forward to all throughout the week. Nowadays, I could take or leave Friday night. I'm glad when I'm actually out and having fun, but there isn't the buildup of waiting throughout the week for the many different wonderful things that could happen Friday night.

At any rate, things were less complicated back then. This year is turning out to be a whole lot more different than I thought it would be. It's knocking me down a little bit, to be honest. I'm hoping things will start looking up. I mean I hit the bottom and I've been going back up to someplace recognizable for the past week, but I want things to get GOOD. I want to be really happy. You don't recognize when things are good when they actually are. I mean I'd quote Kurt Vonnegut when he says to notice when you are really happy and say "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is." I did recognize it, sort of.

Anyway, I don't really know what to do with myself.