Maybe different

But remember,

Winters warm where you and I,

Kissing whiskey by the fire,

With the snow outside.

And when the summer comes,

The river swims at midnight,

shiver cold,

Touch the bottom you and I,

With muddy toes.

That's right. I'm quoting Dave Matthews Band. What of it?

It's important,

I think, to acknowledge what you WISH would happen. Even if it's unhealthy, even if it doesn't make any sense in the greater scheme of things.

Even if it doesn't make sense, it is still no good to repress it. It's also no good to dwell on it, but I will admit I'll still listen to music that is kind of a form of wish fulfillment.

While I'm bearing my soul on this blog, I might as well tell you that. I feel rearranged. Like I switched myself and my life around and I don't quite know how to get my soul back in order.

"I swear that I will, do my best to be here just the way you like it. Even though it's hard to hide, push my feelings all aside, I will rearrange my plans and change for you.
If it's the beaches, if it's the beaches sands you want, then you will have them. If it's the mountains bending rivers, then you will have them. If it's the wish to run away, then I will grant it. Take whatever you think of, while I go gas up the truck, pack the old love letters up, we will read them when we forget why we left here." -The Avett Brothers

And if there's on thing I can believe in,

it would have to be kissing.

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no whenever you don't want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone else disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you're doing here. Believe in kissing."

-Eve Ensler

A step forward

As I type this, I'm eating a small bowl of cereal. It tastes pretty good.

Writing and writing and writing. It's helping. I also took a vitamin. But then I smoked two cigarettes, so I guess that cancels it out. No alcohol yet today, though. I washed my sheets. I played guitar, something I just realized I haven't done for about 9 months.

I showered. I read about 40 pages for detective fiction, because I love that class.

I also love fall. Remind me of all the other things and people I love. There are small gaps where I feel a-ok. Normal. Routine is saving me. I remember that I can still have the routine that i love, brushing my teeth and drinking coffee in the morning.

I'm remembering who I am.

"Don't wish me happiness.

I don't expect to be happy. It's gotten beyond that, somehow. Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor--I will need them all."

It bears repeating.

"Now, too, the time is coming when we shall leave school and wear long skirts. I shall wear necklaces and a white dress without sleeves at night. There will be parties in brilliant rooms; and one man will single me out and will tell me what he has told no other person. He will like me better than Susan or Rhoda. He will find in me some quality, some peculiar thing. But I shall not let myself be attached to one person only. I do not want to be fixed, to be pinioned. I tremble, I quiver, like the leaf in the hedge, as I sit dangling my feet, on the edge of the bed, with a new day to break open. I have fifty years, I have sixty years to spend. I have not yet broken into my hoard. This is the beginning."

-The Waves, Virginia Woolf