What I'm afraid of

Never doing anything interesting.

You know how EVERYONE thinks they have something exceptional to offer up to the world? Not everyone can be exceptional. What if I grow up to be completely and utterly unexceptional? What if I never DO anything? What if I get lost in the crowd, where people are more intelligent, more driven, more articulate, luckier, than me? What if I'm average, even below average?

I'm sorry...it's getting late (for me, at least). And I was just kind of researching grad schools online, but the thing is that I really have no idea where to start or what the hell I even want a master's degree in (maybe learning not to end a sentence in a preposition!) Or where I want to go after I graduate, whether I want to stay or go. My parents are all like "We think you'd be an excellent lawyer! You wouldn't have to litigate or anything...just do research...you're great at that!" And what? I don't know what I want to do, or if I do, I shy away from it because it's too impossible or too great.

I'm afraid of graduating without any kind of job prospects, and ending up back here in Little Rock living with my parents. It's a very real possibility, if you think about it. It happens, often.

And I feel like I've never BEEN anywhere, never SEEN anything. What the hell am I going to write about? But I've been wondering this about myself lately...a lot of people have this LOVE of traveling. I don't know if I have that. I have curiosity...I wonder how I would be in a new place, but I think that when it comes down to it, I'm a homebody. I don't really WANT to go anywhere. How boring.

But when I think back on my life, when I think about when I've been really happy...I didn't have to go far to get that happiness, you know? It didn't come from being adventurous; it came from...well, lots of things. But mainly love, and sometimes even safety (I told you, I'm boring) and comfort and even routine. Am I 80 years old? I'm not supposed to CARE about comfort! I'm supposed to be backpacking in Turkey or some other equally exotic place, staying in hostels and drinking cheap wine.

Ok. Done.