I'm about to head home for the day or so. I feel like I really need a night at home right now.

I woke up this morning terrified of how fast my life is going by. I just lay there in my bed for a couple of minutes and wanted to curl into a ball, and have the ability to control the passage of time. I turn 21 tomorrow. I just worry that I'm not doing enough. Sometimes my life scares me. I don't want to be 21 yet. I don't know why I can't just enjoy my birthday, it always makes me sort of sad.
There's also something about the fall that makes my heart ache, I can't put my finger on it. It makes me want to be all the ages I've ever been at once: I want to be a college freshman again, with all the possibility ahead, around people who have the same sense of possibility, having my first drink. I want to be seven years old again, on the first day of school, with a lunchbox that smells like new plastic. I want to be in high school again, if you can believe it, waiting and waiting for the bell to ring so I can step on leaves on the way to my car. I want to be in seventh grade again, during recess when it was just starting to feel good outside, when the dust smell rising up from the field was a little less because, finally, it was less hot. I want to be in fourth grade, planning a haunted house and swimming in the pool for the last time, when the air was colder than the water.