Do you ever get tired of your phone?

Today I did, and so I just let it go for a couple of hours, and of course, the world fell apart.

My Spiritual Autobiography class came at just the right time in my life. Originally, I wasn't all that excited about it. I needed an English upper level, and Wranovix was teaching it, so that was enough for me. But I've been needing a class like this...not necessarily a religion class, I don't need to be convinced or explained, I feel like I've heard all the explanations. I need to, as ridiculous as it sounds, see others' spiritual journeys, and think long and hard about my own. Lately, I've been rejecting it all, this way of life that I feel I was forced into. Baptized, confirmed, conformed, this is what you're supposed to be. It bothers me that when I look around, those who represent Christianity, or Catholicism, are either apathetic or...overzealous? Judgmental? Either way, no one I see is living out what they claim are their beliefs. It's not just the people, either...it's the Church's closeminded doctrines. And also the authority it represents, the way you're supposed to unquestionably swallow all the doctrine they force down your throat.

I could go on about this.

Instead, I will tell you about the way that I want to be, the sort of spirituality I want to find. I was reading an excerpt from Thomas Merton's spiritual autobiography, and he writes about how he visited a Trappist monastery. The way he writes about it is so compelling.

"How did I live through that next hour? It is a mystery to me. The silence, the solemnity, the dignity of these Masses and of the church, and the overpowering atmosphere of prayers so fervent that they were almost tangible choked me with love and reverence that robbed me of the power to breathe. I could only get the air in gasps."

THIS is what it should be like. I want something that crashes into my life, something that takes my breath away. And, maybe it's a leap to say this, but anyone who truly believes in all this should have this experience. If you comprehend the gravity of what you're experiencing, then I don't see how it could be any other way, how you could just mumble prayers and do everything so halfheartedly.

"Do you know what Love is? You have never known the meaning of Love, never, you who have always drawn all things to the center of your own nothingness."