A bit of advice

from a lot of experience.

It's kind of corny, but I've learned that you have to be happy being by yourself before you can be with anyone else. You have to find out who it is you are before you can share that with someone else in any kind of meaningful way. Maybe this is just me--but I grow faster alone. You have to go through some growth, even growing pains, to get to that point where you know yourself. It's important being alone sometimes.

It might be even more important to learn to share with other people, which is something that comes less easily to me than being alone, for some reason. My tendency is to sometimes retreat, remain uncomplicated, because other people tend to mess up an orderly life quite a bit. But I've also learned that the mess is usually worthwhile. So, 1)get to know yourself, realize the strength you have without someone else to lean on, and then 2)let someone else in.

I would desperately like all the pieces of my life to fall into place ASAP. I would like to know whether: a) I am going to Barcelona in the fall, b) whether I SHOULD go to Barcelona, if I can, in fact, go, c) what I'm gonna do after graduation, and d) where, exactly, the hell I'm living if I'm gonna be here next semester. Let's get this stuff finalized!!!

Trust is difficult.

I want there to places carved out for me, I don't want to have to set out to make a place for myself. But I guess this is being an adult.

Right now, though, I'm trying to be content in sitting on my porch, chatting with my roomies, studying some Biology.

I have notebooks and notebooks, dating back to Freshman year of high school. These notebooks were mostly an outlet for these obsessive, intense crushes I'd have on various random boys. I can't say I've ever felt quite that strongly since high school, but I don't think I'd ever want to feel that way again. I think I've matured past that stage. Thank God. I still get that feeling, but it's not quite as destructive.

Speaking of, I went to mass the other day. It was nice, but mainly because of the person I was standing next to.

Anyway, these notebooks: they're mostly pretty plain and boring through high school. They start to get a little better by college, the focus expands to life and myself, as opposed to constant FEELINGS for a boy. Of course, I still write those FEELINGS, but instead of taking up 95% of the notebooks, they only take up about 40%. I hope this reflects my growth as a person, not just as a writer. I still keep notebooks, I haven't been writing as much lately.

There's something about writing it down, articulating it, that legitimizes my life. Sorting it out, organizing it, makes it all less overwhelming, I can make sense of it all. I see patterns, too, and can stop myself from making the same mistakes I made in the past (sometimes). It's not all just useful and necessary, sometimes it's just fun, mostly it's just fun to chronicle various progressions.

A Tribute To...

Memphis.

I love Memphis. I can remember driving here when I was visiting CBU my senior year of high school and having this feeling...like this is where it's at. I love the places I can go on my bike and I love Beale and I LOVE the feeling of crossing the bridge coming back. I like that I know how to get around Midtown. I love the people, those I know and those I have yet to meet. I love the food--Central, Muddy's, the Deli, Otherlands, Celtic. I love CBU, I love driving down East Parkway in the spring when the world is dripping in green. I love remembering Freshman and Sophomore year, and I love living in the place where I am.

And. Why would I want to leave this place? There is more keeping me here than there's ever been before. Less reason to go look for something else, less reason to explore the world and see what else is out there. But--I can't forget to be adventurous.

This is not the most productive thing to do when I'm skipping class.

"We have forgotten how to touch each other, and we try desperately to do it in wrong, impossible ways which push us further and further apart. Sometimes when Hugh [her husband] and I are in a large group, I need to touch him; the only this touch can be realized is if it's tiny and unobtrusive; if I put my arms around him in the middle of a cocktail party we wouldn't touch at all. But if I stand by him and let my finger brush momentarily against his, we meet; we are together. Too many of us have forgotten that this gesture, this incredibly potent flame, can be as powerful an act of love as any other. We impoverish our lives when we limit our expressions of love."

-Madeline L'Engle, A Circle of Quiet

Today, drove home in the sunlight down I-40.

Listened to this song: "The Third Planet is sure they're being watched/By an Eye in the sky who can't be stopped/and when they get to the promised land/They're gonna shake that Eye's hand."

Played basketball and jumprope with my little sisters.

Watched Jeopardy with my Dad.

Went for a run as the sun was setting.

Everything is green and the flowers are blooming and the air smells like spring and I don't think that life has ever been better. Crawfish boil in two days.

The one thing is--I'm not looking forward to being here for five weeks this summer...nope. Suburbia is great and comfortable for a bit, but I can only take it in small doses.

ALSO: Don't forget to say the things you meant to say. Sometimes it's hard and sometimes it's easy. But most of the time, it's worth it. And only say the things you mean. People can tell.