Maman died today.

You know how there's always the inclination to avoid facing fears, just curl up into a ball and hope that you won't have to do whatever it is that you're afraid to do?

Yeah, that's pretty strong right now. There are a lot of things in my life right now that make me want to find somewhere safe, with everything old and nothing new. Just cling to the familiar.

But spring has sprung. Or is springing. Sorry about getting lazy with this blog. I've been feeling lazy lately, but in a good way.

The beach was...the beach. Being out there at night makes me think of all the ages that I've been on the beach at night, and how I felt differently about life on all those different times. I'm feeling good about life right now. The stars were sparkling above my head, and the sand was sparkling beneath my feet, and that seems to be what is happening in my life right now. I didn't know that sand could sparkle, but there's some kind of algae thing? Natural phenomenon. Anyway, everywhere I stepped, the sand glittered, and I felt powerful.

Why did they make The Stranger part of my high school required reading? I remember really appreciating that book, but I didn't understand existentialism and all that, and that's pretty much the main idea. I'm surprised they expect high schoolers to grasp that concept. I can remember writing a paper on the heat/color imagery in the book, and I was damn proud of that paper.

"Nothing, nothing mattered, and I knew why. So did he. Throughout the whole absurd life I'd lived, a dark wind had been rising toward me from somewhere deep in my future, across years that were still to come, and as it passed, this wind leveled whatever was offered to me at the time, in years no real than the ones I was living."

I still don't think I fully get existentialism. It's still interesting to think about, though. Pretend like I get it.